


#1

by eirilafant



Category: Poetry - Fandom
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-07-01
Updated: 2018-07-01
Packaged: 2019-05-28 00:44:08
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 792
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15036953
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/eirilafant/pseuds/eirilafant
Summary: Trigger Warnings and Themes include mental illness, self-harm, drug abuse and child and domestic abuse (physical and emotional)





	#1

**Author's Note:**

> Trigger Warnings and Themes include mental illness, self-harm, drug abuse and child and domestic abuse (physical and emotional)

*＊✿❀ ☼ ❀✿＊*

i asked her to show me the light, give me a little brightness so i may see my way out of the dark.  
she tells me not all light is within the visible spectrum, that some of us take a little longer to rediscover ours  
because it has come to reside in a place which is well hidden.

*＊✿❀　❀✿＊*

as the red runs down into my palms and in between my fingers,  
my hands start to become sticky with blood.

so i spread my fingers apart to stop them from sticking together.  
a more unpleasant feeling than the stinging of the razor wounds,  
i decide.

*＊✿❀　❀✿＊*

i climbed to the summit of cadair idris  
and for a night gazed at the stars  
consuming their light, listening to their words  
and when i awoke the next day to make my descent  
i could not decided whether it was into madness  
or poetic inspiration.

for i did not stop once i arrived at the lake  
but kept walking into the water  
where the cold welcomed my body  
as i started to swim down  
searching for the bottom  
until all that engulfed me was darkness  
and the humm of the waters gentle flow.

i waited suspended, unbothered by the lack of air  
when slowly, one by one the stars began glow  
and as i looked into the depths  
where once had been darkness  
i realise the night sky around me  
beneath me was cadair idris  
and though i could not tell  
whether i was within the earth or above it  
i was sure that for the first time  
_i could see it all_

*＊✿❀　❀✿＊*

the street lights turn on and i step into them  
i hope that the light does not complain  
of the drunken body beneath it  
walking home the long away  
  
the moon walks beside me  
i say to her, i have washed off my feet.  
i have turned away.  
this body has seen enough of its own pain.  
  
and then the moon with her soft light,  
lay so lightly upon me that i wasn't afraid  
yet when the sunrise finally came?  
it so carelessly outlined every scar on me  
reminding me of each act of violence  
i had taken against myself  
  
and i thought,  
how dare the sun dance across my skin!  
the moon had been so gentle before the sun arose  
and so unforgivingly covered my body in this harsh light of gold! _  
_

*＊✿❀　❀✿＊*

i have magic on my lips  
yet my feet did not dance to it's calling  
and instead my hands grabbed hold  
and suppressed it  
  
now memories sting my eyes like smoke  
reaching out and touching me  
while i unable to reach back  
incapable of altering, word, image or sound

*＊✿❀　❀✿＊*

she told me that i was the night, and the day  
that i was the wind and the earth beneath me  
and between the particles that make me  
were particles that did not make me, dark matter  
pushing me apart, not wanting me to be whole  
but i was whole, i am whole  
  
and i am everything that does, and does not define me  
and from all this i decide that i am not all love  
and it was not in my nature to be all love  
and if anger were to arise, and hatred burn  
rightly so i would take my revenge  
  
*＊✿❀　❀✿＊*  
  
storms begin to swirl outside the house,  
but i erupt in the comfort of my home.

i try to swallow back down my words  
eat up the emotion that threatens to destroy  
digest it quickly in hope of getting this over with soon

yet in my unhealthy and frantic efforts  
to rid myself of this burden  
  idelve deeper into illness  
and at best grant myself  
  a temporary escape

*＊✿❀　❀✿＊*

the way you brought us up was ugly  
but at a certain age, when i was still young  
  but felt old enough, and a little strong  
i rose my voice in protest  
and kicked up the dirt  
  
  then when anger took control of your hands  
my god, did you bring the knife  
_down upon my mine_

the knife was pretty blunt  
were you really that angry?  
at me?  
  
sometimes i am still down  
at the bottom of the garden  
holding my hand as the blood pours out  
and the pain whooshes  
  
  but on other days i am atop the shed  
shattered glass is scattered across the grass  
you're drunk and it's all just a game  
but i am terrified  
of falling

*＊✿❀　❀✿＊*

i inhibited the darkest form of magic  
within me when i was 8  
or 9  
  
told it not to come for me  
before all had been left behind

 the darkest form of magic  
that hid within my mind

would come upon the witching hour  
when the clock began to chime

*＊✿❀　❀✿＊*

 

 


End file.
